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Tender Laurels:
the freckles in our eyes are mirror images
[[Burgdorf]]
[[Cass]] [[Christopher]] [[Jennifer]] [[Kensington]] [[Lucas]] [[Max]] [[Melissa]] [[Natalie]] [[Stacie]] [[e-mail me]] [[aim]]
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links here Tuesday, January 30, 2007Dieting sucks.I do have a personal trainer now. Sounds cool and rich, right? posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 1:33 PM
Monday, January 29, 2007I will never be able to believe that someone truly loves me. This is my biggest fear.posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 11:44 AM
Tuesday, January 16, 2007Nervous. Auditions. Butterflies. Shit.posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 1:31 PM
Tuesday, January 09, 2007I know I don't own the Hendo musical, but... I really wish nobody from USI would audition... cause... you know... um... it's kind of like my safe haven away from those people. I'm selfish.posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 3:00 PM
Tuesday, January 02, 2007Since no one really reads this anymore, I don't feel weird about writing this directly to someone. If he reads it, great. If not, that's fine too.I have been so cruel to Justin over the past year. Since I turned 21 it's been all headgames and bullshit from my end. Is it the alcohol? Partly. Mostly it's serving as a catalyst for all my stupid fears and insecurities to wreak havok on the only good thing I've ever had. Personally, I can't believe he's stuck around this long. I am extremely abusive. I simply cannot trust. I have more insecurities than I've ever had before. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. So why do I sabotage it? Maybe I'm trying to destroy it so it can't destroy me. What happens if I invest everything in this and he up and leaves me? So I withdrawal. I pull away. I give his girl friends catty looks. I get pissed and storm out of rooms so he has to pay attention to me. I spill my anger to friends, and they try to correct the situation. Which really just makes it worse. I saw myself through clearer eyes last night. It was the strangest drunk I've ever had. I was watching myself do all these things, but couldn't stop them. However, I recognized it for the first time. I really saw what I was doing. And when I came to, one of his friends was getting ready to have a heart to heart with him about some shitty remarks I'd made. Were they true? Yes. But they should have gone from my mouth to his ears. Not via David. And so I spilled his beer on his sweatshirt trying to stop David. And he ended up mad at me anyway. I had said "He's going to mess up the best thing he's ever had up." What I meant was "I'm going to mess up the best thing I've ever had up." I displace my flaws on him. I make my insecurities his fault. And that isn't right. Do I need more attention? Yes. Do I have a right to be jealous when other girls flirt? Yes. But does that give me the right to not trust him. No. He's always been 100% honest. I think the incident at the begining of our relationship keeps me from trusting. I think certain information I've learned over the years keeps me from trusting. But I'd rather know the truth than be living a lie. The rumors I've been told over the past year haven't helped any. My past doesn't help any. I don't mean to mistrust him. In fact, as a friend, I trust him more than anyone I've ever known. He knows things that would never slip out of my lips around anyone else. But as a boyfriend, I withold from him. I keep things in because they might piss him off. Which is ironic, because I let other things out to intentionally piss him off. I'm so scared of messing this up. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge. Like I can't do some things or I'll fall off. But other things are safe and balanced, even if they aren't the healthiest way to go about things. I don't know how to break out of this funk. I have to stop being abusive. Because he's a great guy. He doesn't deserve to be mind fucked. But I have to also start standing up for myself. I deserve certain things that I am not getting. We both do. How do we fix it? How do we get better. It's been a beautiful last three years. I've learned so much. I've changed so much. And 95% of the time, things are wonderful. But that 5% doesn't need to be there. He tells me I still have things I have to learn. I know that. But so does he. And if he would help me learn them, if he would reach out to me, maybe I could learn to trust too. posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 12:53 AM
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