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Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I used to be a fun person to be around.
What happened?
When did I become a hermit that hates being alone. Weird contradiction, right?
I'm tired of making friends who will just end up going away.

Oh and I want a house.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 11:38 AM

Here's a little story about how I am a bitch. I have cut myself off from human kind and all communication. This sucks. I have been keeping to myself. I used to have so much fun. I'm so busy waiting for things that will never happen. I miss that part of who I used to be. I miss having FUN. It's so hard to play catch up with everyone though, and I don't want to make more friends. That's just that many more people to someday have to play phone tag with. Growing up blows.

Oh and I want a house.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 11:36 AM

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The curse of my life is that I'll never know anything but what I feel.

I am not strong enough. Stop pushing down on me.

Let me be sorry this once. It's the only thing I can do for you.

The sirens have gone off so many times today that I start to wonder if I'm hearing them or just the embedded memory of them.

Here's a little story about how cannot convince myself fully that someone could possibly love me. Will that lingering doubt ever go away? I wish I had more proof. It's hard to believe after so many disappointments. You know, actions speak louder than words.
Ex: The other night I tried to remember my relationship with Ted. I couldn't remember 99% of it. I couldn't even imagine what I ever saw in him or how I ever thought it was love. I remember the good things in the beginning, before we ever dated. And after that, I remember him saying he'd call and never calling. I remember him lecturing me in his black neon about growing up. I remember him ignoring me in band, because he was the leader there. I remember him using me to make himself look better in the theatre department. I remember him having his best friend pick me up when our group hung out instead of him. I remember him ditching me after Jeff picked me up almost every single weekend. I remember him talking about other girls in front of me. I remember how he wouldn't even hold me after he'd smashed my heart to pieces. I remember exactly how it felt. Like a glass ornament had burst inside my chest, shooting shards of glass in every direction. I remember how that pain took so long to fade away. What I don't remember was why I stayed around. Half a year of my life wasted sitting by phones and putting on fake smiles to hide everything. I'm sure there were good moments. There had to have been. Right?
No wonder I freak out.

This is not what I had in mind at all. I did everything just like I was supposed to. I took the lessons, I did the shows, I prepared in advance, I auditioned for all the best schools. And where am I? In regret.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 7:18 PM

Saturday, November 12, 2005

How about making some fucking room for me?

I just realized how much more I'm invested in this. It seems pointless sometimes.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 12:25 PM

Thursday, November 10, 2005

That is my beautiful ink.

Well... you may wonder... what the hell am I doing writing on this blog. Well, you see, I skipped my mind numbing biology class today because I just wanted to. And I decided there are things that I would like to get out of my system where all the myspacers can't see them.

1) You never know when your life will be turned upside down.
2) Sometimes I wonder when I'll have to stop giving. It seems like I'm never getting any back. Eventually I'll run out of my supply... I'll probably give-myself-to-death.
3) I have trouble with trust lately. Sometimes I forget, but it always comes back to haunt me in the middle of the night. I wonder if I'm just trying to erase it like so many other things. I wonder if it's a gift or a curse that I can blank out bad memories. I swear I've blanked out 70 percent of my life. Maybe not blanked out. More like shoved memories behind closed doors. Sometimes the rooms get too full and everything just spills out. And he wonders why I cry so much. Sometimes the spills are worse than others. Sometimes it's just a face or a song or a faint feeling of what once was. Sometimes it's a full-on assault that covers my mouth and suffocates the here and now, leaving me only with the past.
4) It is hard to house-train a dog that eats your book on housetraining. CURSES.
5) There is a gaping hole in my life. I like to call it "performing." I am not meant to sit on my ass watching other people do what I love. I am auditioning for both spring shows. I hope I don't loose my job over this. Oh well.
6) My brother is 23. We ate at Nagasaki steak house at the Hibachi grill. It was the shit.
7) Saw Metamorphoses last night. Went to Turoni's for a millisecond. I'm glad Natalie is here.
8) I miss Nicole. I am selfish and I want her back. Nobody will go to the damn Crazy Buffet with me.
9) Tomorrow is my last day at Seekers. This is happy/sad. I really love working with Meghan and Ruthy. I hate customers though, and that's a relatively big part of the day. Sometimes I want to tell them to buy a Mr. Coffee or make a fucking sandwich. Oh well.
10) I am about 12 weeks behind in my English class. Do I care? Mildly. I'll do a journal entry/day after I end my time at Seekers.
11) I have to go to class. Apparently, that's expected at school. Whatever.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 11:25 AM