links here

Sunday, November 30, 2003

Well, now that I'm back, I feel like I can devote more of myself to this. I definitely have three papers to write. I fully intend on turning two of them in late. Ha! Because Thanksgiving is a holiday...yo. No homework.

Lately, I've been a bit rebelious. And after talking to Rachel, I feel it's a pretty reasonable phase. I kind of hope it's not a phase though. I like doing what I want to because I want to. Not like shoving people out of the way to get what I want or ignoring consequences, but making decisions without stressing ridiculously about the bad vs. good of it. I mean...weighing your options is one thing...but spending days stressing over something simply to not do it for fear of the results is ridiculous. Noticeable results of this are as follows(in chronological order): hair color change, hair cut, new car, tattoo. The inner results are much different. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like I'm ready to take on any challenges thrown my way. Not because I can chop off my hair or walk out of a tattoo parlor limping in pain. But because now is a synonym for despair. If all you worry about is the present situation, it won't get me anywhere. There is hope in tomorrow... there is more out there... I'm not expressing this very well right now. I shall try again later.

This has been the longest week of my life...it may be cramming in so many people, places, and things all in five days, but I think it's something else. I have an aching in my heart... a yearning. It's like it's reaching out so hard that it's bruising pressed against my ribs.

It's super cold in this room...silly cold room.

I have so many poems caught in my brain...I should attend to them now.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 9:54 PM

I have found that it is nearly impossible to keep up with blogging when one is home visiting people they adore such as:
Rachel, Caitlin, Cari, Burgdorf, Max, Kensington, the Odd Couple cast, Cass, Natalie, Lynn, Carling, Matt, Kyle, Alecia, Cami, Brittany T., family, Jarboe, Jenni, Leah, Grant, Farf, Stacey, Julie, Lucas, Allison, Jeff, Lori, Ted, Brian, Brittany G., Jessica, Christopher, the rest of the Bailey clan(dogs included), Melissa, Stacia, Stephanie, Laura, and probably some others I'm forgetting not due to lack of importance but a memory glitch.
I shall go more in detail later. Right now I must clean my room...how typical...there really is no place like home. Hurrah!
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 10:50 AM

Thursday, November 27, 2003

*Warning: Cliche Ahead*

I AM: a dreamer
I THINK: too much
I KNOW: who I am
I WANT: happiness
I HAVE: desires
I WISH: life had roadmaps
I HATE: distance
I FEAR: compromising myself
I HEAR: the beat of a different drummer
I MISS: ...would I be out of line if I said, "I miss you?"
I WONDER: where life will lead
I REGRET: what I haven't learned from
I LOVE: love
I ALWAYS: scheme
I AM NOT: perfect
I DANCE: through life
I SING: my soul's melody
I CRY: when I can't ache anymore
I DO NOT ALWAYS: forgive easily
I FIGHT: for what I believe in
I WRITE: what life whispers
I WIN: every day I survive
I LOSE: when I lose faith
I CONFUSE: myself
I LISTEN: to tummy trust
I CAN BE USUALLY FOUND: contemplating
I NEED: love
I AM HAPPY ABOUT: life's potential
I SHOULD: take more chances

[You]
[Jewelry Worn Daily]: silver
[Pillow]: two to three
[Shoes]: too many, but never enough
[Favorite top]: wicked queen
[Favorite bottoms]: gray pants
[Cologne/Perfume]: Lucky You...really
[CD in stereo right now]: The Story of Us Vol. 2
[Piercings]: 2 sets in the ears
[Hair]: hot!! and short :) and French Roast...with red gel...woah
[Wish]: I were there
[After this]: watching Harry Potter 2
[Talking to]: Rachel!!!
[Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months]: coming home!! for goodish!
[Some of your favorite movies]: When Harry Met Sally, A Beautiful Mind, Moulin Rouge
[Something that you are deathly afraid of]: being forgotten
[Do you believe in love]: yes
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: no...love is blind
[Do you believe in forgiveness]: yes, and it is beautiful
[If you could have any animal for a pet]: rottweiler
[What are 3 cities you would like to be relocated to?]: Paris, Vienna, or Munich
[What are some of your favorite pig out foods?]: ice cream, Payday mix, Oreos...chocolate anything
[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: religion

[In the last 24 hours, have you…]
01. Cried: no
02. Bought something: no
03. Gotten sick: no
04. Sang: yes
05. Eaten: too much
06. Been kissed: by my lil' cousins
07. Felt stupid: foot in mouth syndrome
08. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: wanted to...and did
09. Met someone new: yes, Mandy's new...friend?
10. Moved on: nothing to move on from
11. Talked to someone you have a crush on: no
12. Had a serious talk: yes
13. Missed someone: yes
14. Hugged someone:yes
15. Fought with your parent: no
16. Dreamed about someone you can't be with: yes...in a technical sense

[Who]
Assume Rachel for all those without *
*01. Have you known the longest: Eric
*02. Do you argue with the most with: I don't argue...I heatedly discuss
03. Do you always get along with: Melissa
04. Is the trust worthiest: Cass
05. Makes you laugh the most: Burgdorf
07. Has the coolest parents: Cass
*08. Have the coolest siblings: Aaron
09. Is the smartest: Aaron
10. Which friend do you think is your soul mate (friend way): let me remphasize that Rachel and I are hetero lifemates...thanks

[Personal]
01. Who is your role model: Chris Tyner
02. What are some of your pet peeves: odd volume numbers...ugh
03. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: who hasn't?
04. Have you ever cried over the opposite sex: yes...and they weren't always worthy
05. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: yes...if random is a type
06. Have you ever lied to your best friend(s): yes...I really hate Rachel's soul...don't tell her... no, but I did lie to her in order to get her a present once...stop following me ;)
07. Ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you: yes...but remember forgiveness is revenge...and so is forking someone's yard...muahahahaha
08. Rather be dumper or dumped: dumped
09. Rather have a relationship or a "hookup": relationship
10. Want someone you don't have right now: yes...again, in a technical examination of this question
11. Ever liked your best guy/girl friend: um...I have a confession to make...can I say Ta and Tu? thanks...HA! remember this is a cliche thing...don't take it too seriously
12. Do you want to get married: yes
13. Do you want kids: for my mommy
14. Do you believe in psychics: I am one...wait...that's psycho
15. Do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point in time: going back to number 11...HA!
16. What is your favorite part of your physical appearance: my HAIR...oh, and something more permanent: my eyes
17. What is your favorite part of your emotional being: the mystique of it
18. Are you happy with you: for the most part... there are some renovations I'd like to make
19. Are you happy with your life: I'm happy with where it's going
20. If you could change something in your life right now, what would it be: it would be December 20th...or I'd be on a Greyhound heading to the west coast...

posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 11:03 PM

Monday, November 24, 2003

So...sometimes you look at your blog and realize that there's absolutely nothing of any worth on those that are being displayed. Then, you must fix that.
Later.

posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 12:00 AM

Sunday, November 23, 2003

There is bliss beyond what I have ever imagined before...

I feel like writing...but I have much homework to do...curses.

My dumb subprofile won't let me update it. Argh.

Done. Goodnight.

posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 11:00 PM

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Math...you shall bow down to me! Muahaha!

Lots of people knit here...weird...well...it's not weird to knit. It's just weird that that many people in college walk about the streets knitting.

Friends is hillarious...

Blogs aren't productive when the TV is on...how cute is the new Planter's commercial...

I cannot wait for Thanksgiving. I used to hate family holidays. I'd bring a book or whatever to avoid having people talk to me and pry into my life. Now I can't wait to be in on the conversations and fighting over who gets to hold which baby...awe! And all these holiday commercials are definitely working. They're controlling my life! Ah! Okay...it's not that bad.

Michael J. Fox...why must you reitterate things such as "Indians!" or "It's the cavalry!" These things should be blatantly obvious to most viewers...correct? Alright...you may continue.
Ps. running from a bear is quite silly...especially when resulting in falling over a cliff.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 7:35 PM

So...I did math from 6-9 last night...then talked forever...then did math again from 1-2...then woke up at 9 and worked on it again until 1:30...and I'm still not done. Never fear though! I only have about 10 problems left. I decided to take a break because my hands were shaking from math overload and the calculator didn't work well with that situation...calm down hands. You wouldn't believe how many times I've had to backspace this mofo even...woah. What a day. I'm pretty sure I can kick that test in the teeth now, though. I'm an interest calculating fool. Time for more math...wahoo!
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 12:40 PM

So, yesterday the bathroom was like Satan's sauna and now it is most definitely more like Frostie's freezer...not cool...ever heard of a happy medium...

So tonight Woodworth hosted condom bingo. First of all...what?? Secondly, I've never seen more guys on our floor...agh...

There's not a lot going on tonight in this room... got to talk to Rachel and Melissa tonight...awe!! I miss those gals...

My mind is way into short blips of uncontinued thought...hmmm...

Got a lot of math done tonight...I'm almost done...ish..

Blogs=passing/random thoughts preserved...

So,this isn't a good blog...it's about as deep as a baby pool...I'm going to bed now...

posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 12:07 AM

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

This is what my mind is saying right now:
Lalalalalala....oh, you want me to work? I'm not in the mood really...lalalala.

I hate when I can't control my own thought process. I have approximately 5 worksheets to finish before 3:30 tomorrow. I figure if I wake up at 6 tomorrow morning...I have 9 hours to work on it if I move my lab hours to Friday...sounds pretty clever, right? However, I'd like to get most of it done tonight. I have to wait for Jen to get back from math though so I can heist her notebook. So...6:30-9:30 I think I'll work and then maybe 11:30-2:30 again...and then of course I'll have the previously mentioned time gap tomorrow of which to work in. Perhaps I won't have to skip my lab after all? Whooooo knows?

It's amazing how many things a person can find to keep from doing what they should be doing. I have a control issue I think. If I decided I want to do something, sure, it'll get done. Like, I would have definitely made my bed more often when I was younger if my mom hadn't always come in and told me to make it before I was even out of it in the morning. And I'm definitely sure that the towels on the floor wouldn't have been a problem if she hadn't always nagged me about it. How do I know that? Because I've only left the towel on the floor here a total of 4 times...and then as soon as I noticed it, the problem was fixed. Hmmm...control issue...perhaps. Oh, and my room is clean 80% of the time now...as opposed to 20% of the time from back in the day. What a weirdo...why do I have friends? They're certainly strong and brave folk to make such a choice.

Get it, Ragtime video! I can't stop watching it...this is viewing number three since Sunday. I'm so proud to have been part of that show.

Three days!!

Life, life, life...that's all I have to say.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 5:00 PM

Interesting link: http://quiz.ivillage.com/work/tests/career.htm

My results:
You need a career that gives you the opportunity to meet and be energized by new people and new situations. You would be happiest in a career that allows you to be free, flexible
and creative. A few careers that suit your personality are:
Stockbroker
Secretary
Receptionist
Director
Recruitment Consultant
Politician
Marketing
Human Resources Manager
Religious Minister
Teacher
Lawyer
Advertising
Consultant
Financial Adviser
Financial Planner
General Practitioner
Physical Therapy
Occupational Therapy
Public Relations
Estate Agent
Travel Agent
Restauranteur
Hotel Manager
Events Organizer
(thanks for narrowing that down)


You are a great leader. You genuinely enjoy being around other people. Your relationships with others are very important to you. You love talking and meeting new people. You are very enthusiastic about work and about all that you do and have in your life. You love being the focus of attention. You enjoy a fast pace. You are very socially oriented. Therefore, you are much happier being with others than you are alone. You crave interaction with others.

You are very spontaneous and often act before you think. You are always quick to answer when you are asked a question, even if you aren't sure of the answer. It is easier for you to improvise as you go along. You enjoy thinking out loud, and are most creative when brainstorming with friends or colleagues. You enjoy being involved in many activities.

You are very easy to read, and often wear your heart on your sleeve. You are never afraid to tell people what you think. You are very empathetic and genuine. You can sometimes be seen as over-emotional or too involved by others. But that is only because you tend to get so involved in the things you do that they become personal. You want to be adored, loved and appreciated. You like to please others and to make sure people are happy.

You trust your gut instincts. You are easily inspired and trust that inspiration. You are very innovative. You analyze things by looking at the big picture. You are concerned about how what you do affects others. You worry about your actions and the future. You tend to use a lot of metaphors and are very descriptive and colorful in your choice of language.

You are very creative, and get bored easily if you don't get to express yourself. You like to learn new things. You don't like the same old routine. You like to leave your options open.

My, that was fun! Really! Try it!
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 4:04 PM

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

After class yesterday, I went on a thrilling adventure with Whitney who was in the show with me...she was my lesbian mentor. Not mine. Becky's. Anyway...we get on the MITS bus hoping to get to Walmart...um...so we ride for a half an hour to get to the MITS station and have to change busses...but the Walmart one is pulling out, so she chased it down...oh it was so much fun. That bus driver didn't look too happy. Anyway...so we go to Walmart to get hair dye and other such products and then come back to Woodworth to have dinner with Morgan. So, we all chill in the cafeteria just sort of bonding and eating and then we both let Morgan dye our hair...it was grand times! Mine turned out super well...I'm so excited! Dark hair makes me look less pale...maybe not less...more appropriately pale. Anyway...Whitney put purple streaks in the bottom layer of her hair. She's such a punk diva. I'm thinking of letting her pierce my nose...I might not keep it, but at least it's free that way, you know? I think I'm in a slight rebellion period right now...ya know...because I had no control over my own body for two months due to the show. So now I'm going crazy. That's so typical. But I say, if you're going to take a risk, it might as well be something that isn't too lasting. Hair grows back and piercings heal. Maybe I just play it too safe...I don't think I've ever done anything shocking. I'm such a neutral person... pretty passive... hmmm... Anyway, after the hair dying party in the bathroom, Whitney went bowling with Rex(get it) and I got to meet Morgan's mom(Peppy!). We took a drive to find her new place and then came back and packed up her room. We popped in Pleasantville while we were packing, and to be honest, I was really suprised by the quality of the movie. It got a little preachy, but the concept was really cool and the audience it was intended for is kind of a dense generation for the most part...so preachiness was maybe necessary. Moments that struck me: the first rose, the Mom(who played Heidi in the original production of the Heidi Chronicles...get it Joan Allen) crying off her black and white makeup, the apple being picked to reveal the moon, and "there is no right job and there is no right car" "it's not supposed to be anything." Toby...go you. Then I came back and chatted the night away...hurrah! Four days!

Today I woke up before Jen did so I wouldn't be so angry all day about the dumb hair dryer. It worked! How about that? Sounds like I've got a new plan. Tomorrow I have a huge German test makeup that I missed last week. This concerns me. Ah well. Thursday I have a huge statistics test over all this stuff I'm lost on. Ah well. Such is life. Time for some serious studying kiddos. Wahoo!

Quotes for the day:
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
William Dement

Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you.
Marsha Norman

Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.
John W. Gardner

Love takes up where knowledge leaves off.
Saint Thomas Aquinas

You are the music while the music lasts.
T. S. Eliot

All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams.
Elias Canetti

In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged.
Hans Nouwens

One of the most adventurous things left us is to go to bed. For no one can lay a hand on our dreams.
E. V. Lucas

Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely.
Auguste Rodin

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.
Aldous Huxley

I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night.
Bill Watterson

If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.
J. M. Power

In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
Blaise Pascal

So...that was a lot of quotes...but I'm having a day full of thought. I've gotten into this weird habit of making playlists each day to fit how I'm feeling or what's going on in life at the time. I mean, sure, you listen to music to accomodate your moods, right? I appreciate Kazaa and all it's done for listening capabilities. Hmmm...it takes a nice chunk of time to get the list just right. That's the only drawback. Lately it's been lots of mellow accoustic music...it's been rainy here and I'm still really wiped out...so maybe that's why. So...that topic is really going nowhere...sometimes you just need to share things.

Well, I must go put my eyeballs in so I can see the board and try to learn something in math. Hurrah!

Signing out...
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 2:15 PM

Sunday, November 16, 2003

Presently I'm watching the Wizard of Oz on TCM...and I'm crying...that's so weird.
I feel a lot like Dorothy.
"...if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."
Yup. There's no place like home, and if home is where the heart is...I cannot wait to get there. Even if it means taking a Greyhound trip...;)

Interesting and inappropriate quote for the day:
"Ray, you're really fun today...you know, like how herpes is fun."- Kaitlin Fumerello
(I appologize for how crude it is, but it was definitely a memorable moment)

Interesting fact for the day:
laurel-
Since the Pythian Games in Ancient Greece, the laurel wreath has been an emblem of victory. The evergreen laurel was regarded as a purifying plant with powers of immortality. Its significance has survived, while other leaves have been used for the same purpose do not retain this symbolism: in the olympic games wild olives were used to crown the victors, while in the Nemean Games it was parsley. First worn by the Romans in Triumphal parades after battle, the laurel wreath came to be regarded as both a prize and a sign of divine blessing. Over the centuries, rulers were often portrayed so wreathed, while today those who have achieved excellence in their respective fields can also receive this mark of distinction.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 9:55 PM

This is a general observation from listening to many people lately:
Where have all the hopeless romantics gone?

Hey...guess what?? Five more days!! Hurrah!!!

Goodnight sweetheart
Til we meet tomorrow
Goodnight sweetheart
Sleep will banish sorrow
Tears and waiting
They make you forlorn
But with the dawn
A new day is born so...
Goodnight sweeheart
Though I'm not beside you
Goodnight sweetheart
Still my love will guide you
In dreams you are
In each one I'll hold you
Goodnight sweetheart
Goodnight

Mmmmm...French Roast...soon ye shall be-ith my hair. And then I shall choppeth it offeth! Muahaha...silly long hair.

Parents and Brittany Gray came today...awe! How sweet! Twas a good day. The parents brought my Ragtime video, so I just got done watching it...I know...it's late, but it was so great to finally see it. I'm still as proud as after every show. Go Warrick. You rocked my socks off. Anywho...

We will ride on the wheels of a dream.

Don't be someone you're not. You might get confused and introduce the wrong one someday. What does it all mean?

And they all lived happily ever after.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 2:31 AM

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Go on, go on.
Leave me breathless.

The end.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 1:54 AM

Apparently there's a new blog fad...I feel that if I'm going to be doing one of these, I might as well be cliche about it. Here goes!!

LAYER ONE: On the Outside

Name: Jennifer Laurel Ahlfeld
Birth date: Febuary 6, 1985
Birthplace: Evansville, IN at St. Mary's
Current Location: Muncie, IN(booooo)
Eye Color: hazel...or green...or teal...depends on the tacts of con
Hair Color: right now...a reddish brownish blondish tone...as of Sunday: French Roast (hair color rebellion)
Height: 5'2
Righty or Lefty: righty
Zodiac Sign: Aquarius


LAYER TWO: On The Inside

Your heritage: German, English, Native American, Welsh, Irish, Scottish
Shoes you wore today: velcro shoes, leather flip flops, and bowling shoes
Your weakness: keeping things to myself and letting them grow in my mind
Your fears: used to be chipping/cracking/losing a tooth...now: being forgotten
Your perfect pizza: Sandy's combination(love those red peppers)...a Fort Branch tradition
Goal you'd like to achieve: travel to all fifty states and every continent...eventually

LAYER THREE: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

Your most overused phrase on AIM: lol, yay, hurrah, etc.
Your thoughts first waking up: I'm going to smash her hairdryer(I stole it tonight...HA!)
Your best physical feature: my eyes...that's what I get for having an O.D. for a daddy
Your bedtime: lately 2ish
Your most missed memory: loving to perform

LAYER FOUR: Your Pick

Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
Mc Donald's or Burger King: McDonalds
Single or group dates: single...groups add a confusion factor sometimes
Adidas or Nike: Adidas
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea
Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
Cappuccino or coffee: neither...frappuccino


LAYER FIVE: Do You?

Smoke: no
Cuss: yup
Sing: yup
Take a shower everyday: pretty much
Have a crush(es): not really
Think you've been in love: it's always love until it's over, right? I'm not sure what that means, but it sounded so prophetic.
Like(d) high school: I liked my activities and the people I met through those...and I liked most of my teachers...high school in its entirity was okay
Want to get married: sure do! (some of your jaws may be dropping at this point, I know)
Believe in yourself: if I don't, who will?
Get motion sickness: naw
Think you're attractive: I guess so...no use complaining...either way I'm stuck like this
Think you're a health freak: not really...I've found that leads to dangerous disorders.
Get along with your parents: yup! as long as we're not under the same roof
Like thunderstorms: indeed, now more than ever
Play an instrument: I played piano and clarinet back in the day. I have a guitar that I still need to learn how to play.

LAYER SIX: In the past month...

Drank alcohol: yep
Smoked: nope
Done a drug: nevah
Made Out: a lady never tells
Gone on a date: mmhmm
Gone to the mall?: are you kidding? I lived there this summer
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: no...sick
Eaten sushi: never
Been on stage: yep
Been dumped: dumped...not really...ignored until I gave up...yes...jerk
Gone skating: no...that's sad...I'll have to fix that
Gone skinny dipping: I would never punish others like that
Dyed your hair: no, but when Sunday rolls around...
Stolen anything: Nope


LAYER SEVEN: Ever...

Played a game that required removal of clothing: Fadiddle...but we never actually do
If so, was it mixed company: Fadiddle is an equal opportunity event
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: uhyes
Been caught "doing something": brushing my hair? all the time
Been called a tease: yes...that's not very nice either
Gotten beaten up: no...physical violence weirds me out...I have a weird complex about that
Shoplifted: nope

LAYER EIGHT: Getting Older

Age you hope to be married: mid-20s would be ideal...but finding someone silly enough to propose to me and be stuck with me for a lifetime might take a little longer
Numbers and Names of Children: 3: 2 boys and a girl...I have a couple names, but it's more of a teamwork decision...I'll be flexible: Orin Matthew, Idina Evany, Jameson
How do you want to die: quick and painlessly after a long life filled with love and laughter
What do you want to be when you grow up: that's a good question...frankly, I don't want to grow up...sing along kids!
What country would you most like to visit: most? Germany...good memories

LAYER NINE: In a guy

Best eye color?: there's a best?
Best hair color?: again I say...
Short or long hair: short
Height: taller than me...that's not hard, now is it? and people say I'm too picky
Best articles of clothing: this is a silly layer
Best first date location: someplace relaxed and conversation friendly...the Wadi is always nice

LAYER TEN: In The Numbers...

Number of drugs taken illegally: nunca...unless you count those yellowjackets last year that Shalonda and I needed to pass comp. class
Number of people I could trust with my life: about 10
Number of CDs that I own: 100ish.
Number of piercings: 2 sets in the ears...I'm thinking about letting my friend Whitney pierce my nose...we'll see
Number of tattoos: 0...until Dec. 8
Number of times my name has appeared in the Newspaper?: actually...a lot for theatre stuff and band stuff and grades and such...I won't gloat with numbers
Number of scars on my body: 1 on my left shoulder...I thought about getting a tattoo over it, but that urge is gone now.
Number of things in my past that I regret: if you can learn something, there's no reason to regret...so...none
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 1:52 AM

It's 1am...I tried sleeping. It didn't work. I stayed up until 4 last night working on projects...and I've been staying up till 2 on other nights...so I think I've messed up the internal clock. It thinks I'm in Germany or something right now. I wonder what time it is in Germany? Anyway...I can't sleep!! Tssk tssk.

Marcus just called for Jen...his messages are so ridiculously funny...and sincere. Tonight he started with "Jeni, if you were asleep, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you, but don't answer the phone now. Stay there in bed. Alright. I'll make this short..." So funny.

Mom and Dad are in Indy now...I bet they're sleeping. Just a guess though. Rachel called at 12:30. That was an event! Everyone was at Hooters after a "perfect show." Go them! It's funny. Some people forget that I'm on a different time. I'm sure she thought it was 11:30...and that's all good and fine and dandy, because I wasn't really sleeping.

I even tried classical music tonight. I love classical music. Tonight's first attempt was Vivaldi's Autumn, which was then followed by Blue Shades. I definitely felt the heart rate dropping about the time my phone rang. Not the Rachel time. The Marcus time. So...plan B...stay up really late and crash and be tired tomorrow.

I slept most of today...in fact, I slept from 9:30-1:30 and then from 2:30-5. That's disgusting, I know...but taking 18 hours and being in a show might as well be called "slow and torturous death." Sick. Angele is probably passing around her weird sleeping disorder. Ha! I know that those aren't contagious...but it's nice to think there's a reason.

Some people neglect their blogs. I have become very dependant on this thing. It helps me get through my days here. I'm thinking about making a paper chain with a countdown of how many days I have left...probably in Christmas colors though so people won't think I'm cynical. Those days are in the past...HA! I feel it creeping up sometimes...mainly when I see Matt now. Jerk. You just don't walk up to someone and tell them the show they directed and devoted their life to and put their all into and sacrificed many things for sucked. Not cool, buddy. And though he might have meant it jokingly(Freud said fifty percent of a joke is truth), that just doesn't match up with my sense of humor. May you have a successful career of hiding from your own self and building yourself up by cutting others down. Just had to pick on the short kid, didn't ya? Well, guess what...short people are just condensed energy, so we pack more punch.

I'm coming home next weekend! Where people love and care about me! I finally figured out why I hate it so much here. I feel so abandoned. There's not really anyone here. I mean, of course there are people here. Just not really the ones who are the most important in my life. So...yah.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 12:47 AM

It's 1am...I tried sleeping. It didn't work. I stayed up until 4 last night working on projects...and I've been staying up till 2 on other nights...so I think I've messed up the internal clock. It thinks I'm in Germany or some..por eso lo seras...pues si no ya no hay mucho por ke tratar...y mi vida volveria a ser tan estupida y monotona komo antes...komo lo es...pero sin komplikaciones...ese dude llamdo virgilio ke es el puto del profesor de derecho dijo ke "a uds les gusta la presion kuleros...les gusta trabajar kon la presion"...alomejor si,alomejor por eso me ise un tanto estupido y deskuidado...para tener por ke batallar...pero si eso fue asi...pues ke pendejo soy,ya ke en estos momentos dari mi huevo izquierdo por ke todo fuese facil again...pero...no se,apestaria...apesta...[kiero seguir sintiendo...y mientras krea ke tu sientes...no dejare de sentir...no te dejare de kerer..a ti...mujer...malvada...a ti]...malvada...a ti]
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 12:20 AM

Friday, November 14, 2003

I love my mother. She sayeth, "Rude and stupid people are to be avoided. If you are in a generous mood you may pity them."
HA! Eat that Matt. Remember how I said I enjoyed the cast? I forgot to knock on wood. Too bad. It was fun while it lasted. I have been reaffirmed in my belief that most are just hiding from themselves through characters. Guess what...I like myself and my life, so I have no reason to hide. Maybe he's just jealous...and maybe he's a pathetic waste of oxygen. Take your pick. Anyway...I'm trying to be over it. I'll explain more later. It's 2:30 here and I still have homework to do. Curses...foiled again.

Ps. I still really enjoy several people in the cast...certain ones are some of the most incredible people I've ever met.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 1:31 AM

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Show...show...show...
Show what? HA!

"Sante Fe, are you there? Do you swear you won't forget me?"

It is possible to detroy a diet in one week...but it's show week and I don't care...because getting through this week is more necessary right now than that.

HA! Today Rie and Angela found a little army man in stagecraft and gave him to me as a present to tide me over until next weekend. I'm going to miss those girls. Rie also helped me smuggle out a J. Crew catalogue. What a DAY...we were so useless. There was just nothing that we were qualified to do today, so Greg let us all go an hour to 2 hours early and gave us lab credit for it. Go Greg Lund, go!

"Tonight, tonight"...shall be a royal pain. I have to meet with my scene partner from 10:30 -12:00 to finish up all the work that I slept through this mornin...whoops. Sometimes I'm amazed at what I can sleep through and what I can't. When the blowdryer is mysteriously missing next week, maybe someone will get the point. Probably not.

I've decided I need a new look...this was part of the catalogue smuggling escapade. There were so many cute looks in there that I felt needed to be upon me. This shall also entail finishing out the getting in shape goal. I'm not buying a new wardrobe that'll end up not fitting in a month. Bah humbug. Today my brain is not working properly.

"When I wake up in my makeup"...day o' quotes. Yech...not a good feeling. Stage makeup is awful stuff... it just tears the heck out of your face.

Anyway...math has been cancelled this whole week. Dr. Barton = far, far away at a math conference. How much does that rock? I have to go meet with the prof though about my recent missage...hummmm.

I find that I don't necessarily write as I speak. These are most definitely my thoughts, but rarely do I throw out rants anywhere near what I blog.

I canna wait to see my parents this weekend. Sometimes you need a good, parental hug. And a check reimbursing you for purchases. Just kidding. Our love is stronger than numbers and certainly not divisable.

I was going to write something witty...it left.

Brittany Gray called this week. How sweet of her to check in! She says I don't sound cynical anymore...I think that's a good thing. I've lost my bitterness apparently...it's easy to do when you have something beautiful growing around you.

And she's off...20 minutes to call...Cool aid to make and faces to paint. Night all...
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 4:52 PM

LOUD girl...you hath woken the entire hall...you're louder than any person I've ever heard. Work on that. Goodbye.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 10:04 AM

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Thanks all for your messages and emails throughout the day yesterday! It meant the world to me! It was good to hear from several people that have been MIA for a bit. Life is crazy like that sometimes...I'm so glad you're all a part of my life.

Please keep my friend Morgan in your prayers or thoughts(whichever you prefer). She's going through some pretty interesting times right now and she needs all the support she can get.

Another openin', another show. Hurrah for Heidi! Even more hurrahs for it nearing the end. Not that I haven't enjoyed the entire experience. Some of it was alright...I've had a ton of fun getting to know the cast these past couple of weeks. But it's time for me to take some time to figure out where this crazy life of mine is going.

Can't wait for Thanksgiving...mmm...family, friends, food. Who could ask for anything more?

"Tut tut; looks like rain." Bad for straightening hair. Great for the heart.

I miss ya Steph!! Go Jenga! :)

Can't wait till next semester! It shall be full of many joyous things! And I feel that perhaps even math could be enjoyable...

Well, I'm going to put on my face and get ready for tonight. I doubt that I'll be online tonight, I have way too much homework to catch up on. I promise I'll be a better friend as soon as this show is over.

posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 4:13 PM

That's right Tori...What if I'm a mermaid in these jeans of his with her name still on it?

What? To find out, you should download Tori Amos' Silent All These Years. Allison was right. Music choices change in college. Hmm...I like it!

I love Hyatt printing. Service with a smile. And it only costs a buck! How about that them apples?

Jarboe and I spent the majority of the day in the learning center as he attempted to tutor me on my math...I have to find out what I've missed. Argh. I hope Jen will lend me her notebook tomorrow night...*cross your fingers, hope to die, stick a needle in your eye* What did that ever mean? Who knows.

Carson Joseph...welcome to the fam!

Cassie...you're amazing...seriously.

Do not let your fears from the past dictate your future.

"Noses are for smelling. Hearts are for loving."

Time for sleep...just wanted to say I've done this tonight. Night all!

Correction: Sie zittert mein Herz machen.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 12:14 AM

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

If I didn't need to steal her hairdryer this week to straighten my hair, it'd be in a million pieces right now...

Dreammoods.com:

Two stands for diversity, partnership, soul, or receptivity. It can also symbolize double weakness or double strength. There is a duality as in male and female, mother and father, yin and yang, etc.

Three signifies life, vitality, inner strength, completion, imagination, creativity, energy, and self-exploration. Three stands for trilogy as in the past, present, and future or father, mother, and child, etc.

One stands for individuality, solitude, the ego, leadership, originality, and a winner. It also stands for a higher spiritual force.

To see your teacher (past or present) in your dream, suggests that you are seeking some advice, guidance, or knowledge. You are heading into a new path in life and ready to learn by example or from a past experience. Consider your own personal experiences with that particular teacher. What subject was taught? Alternatively, it may relate to issues with authority and seeking approval. You may going through a situation in your waking life where you feel that you are being treated like a student or in which you feel you are being put to a test.

To hear or write songs in your dream, indicates that you are looking at things from a spiritual viewpoint. Your future path is a happy one with good health and much wealth. Consider the words to the song that you are dreaming about for additional messages.

To see children's books in your dream, memories and a collection of personal memories from your own childhood. It may also suggest your desire to escape from reality and retreat into some fantasy world.

To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment.

To see calm, clear water in your dream, signifies that you are in tune with your spirituality. It denotes serenity, peace of mind, and rejuvenation.

To dream that you are in or see a boat, signifies you ability to cope and express your emotions. Pay particular attention to the condition and state of the waters, whether is is calm or violent, clear or murky, etc. Are you "smooth sailing"? Alternatively, you may be ready to confront your unconscious and unknown aspects of yourself.

Halloween also represents the temporary adoption of a new persona where you feel less inhibited and more comfortable to freely express yourself.

To see or win money in your dream, symbolizes that success and prosperity is within your reach. Money may represent confidence, self-worth, success, or values. You have much belief in yourself. Alternatively, dreaming about money, refers to your attitudes about love and matters of the heart. It is frequently a symbol for sexuality and power. In particular, finding money indicates your quest for love or for power.

To see a vampire in your dream, symbolizes seduction and sensuality, as well as fear and death. The vampire represents contrasting images of civilized nobility and aggression/ferocity. It may depict someone in your waking life whose charm may ultimately prove harmful. Deep down inside you know that this person is bad for you, yet you are still drawn to it. Alternatively, to see a vampire suggests that you are feeling physically or emotionally drained. The vampire may also be symbolic for someone who is addicted to drugs or someone in an obsessive relationship.

To dream that you are getting a tattoo with a friend, represents your deep bond and long-lasting, solid friendship.
--
One hell of a dream. Falling asleep on your books will do that to ya. Want to know how much work I got done...?

posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 7:30 AM

Monday, November 10, 2003

There shall be no sleep tonight. I have way too much to catch on. This will result in a very bad tomorrow. PLEASE, I'm begging you, email or leave me an IM...I fear I might not get through tomorrow without support. The world is sort of closing in on my right now...I'm sort of drowning...but not in the water surrounding you and slowly filling up your lungs. More so, it reminds me of the Ten Commandments when the water is hovering above the soldiers and it slowly covers them. Like I'm tipping back my head to watch the wall of water slowly lower itself closer and closer to my face. Like, it's so near the tip of my nose, I wonder how much time I have left. It doesn't help that I'm having trouble contacting most people when I get the whim to call them. Strange. I feel kind of stranded. Anyway, I must go work on the mound of homework that grows with everyday. An endless pile of obligations.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 10:50 PM

Thoughts for today-
Walking alone at night on campus-not necessarilly a smart thing to do.
Proving that you can make it through this world alone- sometimes a necessary thing to do.

Where are the crosswalks of life?
----
Last night I got in at 11 from rehearsal...this is not a cool thing. Following that, Jen's boyfriend called and they proceded to talk until I thought Hell very possibly could have frozen over. And yes, again, she talked so loudly that my headphones were a fruitless attempt at getting some sleep. So, I slept through all my morning classes, and in a mad attempt to catch up on schoolwork, I had to skip my German class to get Fences read for script analysis. This angers me since that is the only class I enjoy here. I am very bitter towards her right now. I was thinking about turning her in for having candles in the room until I remembered that though she's the one with the lighter, I did buy the critters. We may have to have a confrontation tonight if this happens again, though I'll be up all night typing a GOTE sheet and doing math homework. Damn. Maybe Wednesday night. Oh my gosh...we open on Wed. Yikes!

Eric's birthday was on Sunday...awe! YAY! He's so old! Old enough to propose even! Hahaha...you know I'm joking. Sort of...muahaha...you have one year and six months starting yesterday.

I miss Rachel. I miss Steph. I miss Melissa. I miss thinking I knew what life had in store. The end.

Someone said, "oof!" last night...I almost died laughing...I love things like that'll pop up out of nowhere throughout the day and put a smile on my face...little reminders of wonderful things that lie beyond the boundaries of BSU.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 5:07 PM

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Notes to self:

People do sleep in the halls. Keep eyes open when roaming.

Going to bed at 2 always results in waking up at 11. Don't stay up late if intending to wake early.

Male shower hours mean nothing. Always bring bathrobe for backup.

When stealing one's roomate's food after a 3-11 rehearsal and no dinner break, write down exactly what so you can repay her...if feeling nice and forgetting that she gave away all of your safety pins...schlampe.

Food is good. Don't forget to eat during Hell week.

That is all. Goodbye.




posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 12:53 PM

Friday, November 07, 2003

A few quotes I don't want to forget(so I'm putting them here...because I can...HA! it's my Blog):

"If I had been through the Spanish Inquisition, I would have converted to anything."
-Frau Samuelson, discussing her pain tolerance or lack thereof

"Jen, just take the compliment."
-Peter Corey

"You are the Jenga block that the whole stack would fall without."
-Steph, being the sweetest person in the world

"You are smart enough to know that your actions have consequences."
-Burgdorf

"Ben, stop sexually harassing the students."
"But they started it first!"
-Chip Hauss and Ben Jobe following a discussion about straddling a paint can...woah.

"Nice guys finish last. Just ask my wife about being nice. She ended up with me."
-Chip Hauss

"I wonder if maybe we really are given maps for our lives at birth. What if our maps are in our umbilicle cords, and we've just been throwing them out for centuries?"
-I feel that I shouldn't disclose that information...umm...that is all.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 5:23 PM

Let us discuss the Jason Mraz concert. Sounds fun, right? Except that you don't get to respond...ha!..."this is just a conversation with myself." You may read if you feel compelled. If not...then, stop here. No, not here. Back there where it says here(Disclaimer: sleep loss, stress, tears, and bellyaching laughter causes my brain to spew out strange words and thoughts that may not necessarily be what I'm thinking).

Once upon a time, a girl got cast in a show her first semester at Ball State(that was really cool, because not that many freshmen get cast in shows). This show in particular was classified as the "New Student Show." Meaning the cast would be made up of all freshmen and transfers. What a lovely outlet. Shortly after she was cast, this girl caught wind of a Jason Mraz concert on Halloween! Imagine that! She thought, "Well, heck! What are the possibilities that we'd rehearse on a holiday?" So, the girl looked at her schedule...and indeed, she did have rehearsal that night. This made the girl very sad, because she had two very close, incredible friends coming up to see the concert. C'est triste, ce n'est pas? As the concert neared, her sadness about this grew because she learned that other cast members were going to the concert anyway and just getting there late. What a novel idea. Now, why didn't she think of that? She pondered the idea, and decided that if she couldn't see the whole thing, she had best save the money(since her funds had shrunk to a shocking amount since her arrival in September). This didn't mean she was a bad fan or not committed to the Mraz cause...it just meant she was broke. Don't you raise your eyebrows at me. This is my story. Now, the girl was already pretty bummed, but then she found out that friends from her past were going to come see the concert and had made no attempt at trying to even stop by and say hello. This hurt her heart. She felt forgotten and forlorn. It still hurts her feelings even though her story guarantees that she had more fun than them. HA! Now, if they had come to say hello, maybe they would've experienced the fun. Back to the story though. The night of the show finally came and she dressed for rehearsal festively in her red Jason shirt with the scatting rooster on it to try to at least experience part of the Mraz-ataz(as she affectionately called it). Halfway through rehearsal, people began filling a room right next to the hallway the cast habituated while they weren't on stage or moving scenery(yes...they were the crew too. whoop whoop!). Being the nosy people that actors are, a few of them including the girl went to check out the happenings. They asked what was going on and found out that they were from 93.1 RadioNow in Indy (how convenient), and they would be interviewing Jason Mraz in that very room(even more so!!). The girl laughed and said, "Tell him Jeni says, 'Hi!'" The men got quite a chuckle out of that and proceeded to ask her if she was the loser girl who wore the artist's t-shirt to the show. The girl became very solemn and said, "No. I can't go to the concert." The men, aghast, asked her why not. She confided in them that she didn't have the funds to support such enjoyable pastimes as concert going even for her favorite artist. She then had to leave the room for a scene change. When she exited backstage, a cast member named Whitney ran up to her and said, "Hey! Those guys want to talk to you!" The girl wondered what they could possibly want from her. Get your mind out of the gutter right now, or I won't finish this story. Alright, shall we continue now? Thank you. The head honcho with the recording equipment walked up to her and asked, "Do you want to go to the concert?" The girl laughed and said, "Of course! Who wouldn't?" The man repeated his question letting his point sink in, "No, really. Do you want to go to the concert?" Shocked, the girl's eyes widened and she sincerely said, "Yes, I do." He told her there would be two free tickets waiting for her at the 93.1 tent outside of Emens auditorium. The girl beamed and said thank you nearly a hundred times. Shortly after her gratuitous outburst, Emens employees cleared the cast away from the room and escorted Jason Mraz into the room. The nice man that gave the girl free tickets and also operated the broadcasting equipment then told Jason's manager that his equipment would only work out in the hallway (where the cast was conveniently located). So, the poor acting folk could watch the interview. The girl wondered how the day could possibly have gotten any better. She stood less than four feet away from Jason Mraz as the men interviewed him. Her heart beat in her chest as if she were Marsha Brady meeting Davy Jones. After the interview, the men led Jason into the room they had been in to meet and greet a few contest winners for at least one scene change. When the cast came back into the hall again, the venue staff had posted themselves at the door. "This is your moment," said the girl's friend Morgan, "get his attention when they walk him by." Matt chimed in, "Yah! Flash him!" The others giggled with anticipation. Suddenly, as if a conductor had silenced them, the laughter stopped and Jason exited the room, the fluorescent light framing his slight figure(which looked even smaller in a flattering Plumb colored suit). Jason got closer. Morgan watched her friend. The girl locked up. Morgan suddenly rushed forward. "Excuse me. We're rehearsing right now, but we've got some pretty big fans of yours down here," she said nodding to the girl frozen with awe. "Could you sign her script real quick?" Jason stopped for a moment and gave the girl a look of greatest sympathy and said, "I'm so sorry. The show is starting right now, so I have to get up there or I would. But you're coming to the show, right?" As if a moment from a movie, the girl's world went into slow motion as this great artist reached out to grab her hand as he backed away towards the stage door. And for that moment, he looked into her eyes with a look that said, "Thanks so much for your support." while she looked back; hers saying, "Thanks so much for your music." Breaking out of her catatonic state, she smiled playfully, cocked her head and said, "Of course! Have a great show!" He smiled back at her and walked away(slowly letting go of her hand as he went or was it still the slow mo making her head spin?) turning the corner. He did have a great show, and the girl watched from row V with people she didn't know. She didn't care. She was there for the music of an artist who had touched her hand only moments before and her heart with his songs a year before.
The End.

posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 4:05 PM

It's Friday...whooo Friday. No rehearsal tonight! Time to catch up on statistics, I suppose. That class is killllling me.

Jen didn't wake me up this morning with her obnoxious hair dryer, so I got up at 8:50 and had to be in class by 9. Needless to say, I looked amazing...ly disgusting. Thank God for actors who understand the looking like crap necessity. Whoop whoop! Then I went and had a nice convo with Bethamy while painting my flat. There are times when I'm in lab or painting or building something and I think...hmm...this is something I'll miss. And then I remember I'm going home, and I don't think about that anymore.

Burgdorf...he reads the brail of my soul. Seriously...all the thoughts and confusion that look like random dots to me, he takes and turns them into perfectly logical thoughts. We talked forever last night, and I definitely needed that. There was this dumb song in the musical I saw here last night that just put me in a mess of a state. First off, I was peeved, because the show was not as quality as it should have been. I was so mad that I didn't get into the musical theatre program here, because that was not quality. But I wonder if I'd end up disliking it and leaving bitterly. Anyway. So, I was fuming over that...and then this guy sings a song called Good Old Girl. It's one of those songs that you just accidently take too personally, so I'm thinking "oh my god...that's what I'm going to be someday...oh my god."...and I just lose it. I do that a lot more this year than I ever have before. So...I'm crying at this show that's just not that wonderful...and I come home and can't stop crying until I call Burgdorf and he reads my brail and makes it all make sense. It's not better...that's up to me. But he makes things make sense. Hurrah!

Well, I'm off to script analysis...argh. I hope I learn something life changing in there.

Download: Mad World by Gary Jules from Donny Darko
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 1:50 PM

Thursday, November 06, 2003

I always sleep in on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Jen wakes me up at about 7:30 with the blow dryer, and though that's a mere half hour before I intended on waking up anyway...I sleep in after that. There's something about waking up with no one else in the room that makes it feel more mine and less shared. It's interesting to think that none of this is really mine. The room is the college's and most of my posessions were given to me. I have my clothing...which has become an addiction. I think maybe because it's the only outlet I've ever had for providing for myself. I'm very excited for next semester to get a couple jobs not from my parents and pay the rent and my bills and for my own groceries and furnish an apartment. I've always had trouble relying on other people. It makes me really uncomfortable. Watching American Beauty this weekend revealed things to me about myself that I never thought about that much. In some ways, I'm like the mother. I've always felt that in the end, there's no one but yourself to depend on so you have to be the one to take care of yourself. If you let someone else, you lose the only real control anyone really has...and that is over the self. This is very much like Hedda Gabler as well. No, I'm not nuts, and I'm not going to prove that my power exists over the control of my life and death...this is actually leading to something else:
1 Corintheans 13:4-7
Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud.
Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not become angry easily.
Love does not remember wrongs done against it.
Love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth.
Love patiently accepts all things.
It always trusts, always hope and always continues strong.
Love never ends.
If I cannot trust, how can I ever begin to fully love? It's particularly hard since seldom have I been urged by circumstances beyond my control to trust...but I'm going to try to work on that. Life is like this great big pile of clay on a potters wheel...and everyone around us helps to shape us. The way they come into our lives and leave their thumbprints on what will someday be (hopefully) a masterpiece is incredible. Even more so is the fact that we too can leave thumbprints on our own life if we choose to live without being just a pile of clay and not part of the process(a victim living passively instead of a creation as well as a creator). We can help shape the clay too, and I choose, right now, to become a more active part of the shaping of my life. I will add a handle of trust for another to someday hold on to. I've never been real good at pottery though, so I imagine it could take a nice bit of time. I'll let you know how it goes.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 9:42 AM

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Ran across this on the Blender and found it intriguing. Someday check out the site if you have time. www.loveblender.com
If you get really adventurous, my stuff is under the name Laurel Ahlfeld. I don't promise it's all good...it's a work in progress, much like all of us.
Anywho, here goes:

the hazards of reading classical poets' works in fits of romance
by TH_08

he's a dead poetic novelist who ate a lot of acid and lead a literary revolution in the sixties
we did not meet each other's acquaintance
possibly due to the nature of time
i was not present then
and besides, he's too preoccupied with his cock
fuckin poets
always dying too soon to fall in love with
and being too unreal to fall in love with while they're living

I don't really relate to it on every level...it just caught my attention enough that I thought I should share. Mrs. Parks always said good poetry was expressing a complete thought in as few words as possible. What a task...I always strive for that. Go Mrs. Parks...you rock.

So, I got emails from both parents today...and I read them and they were sentimental and all, so I was touched. Then I started playing Solitaire...I always do that when I need to let something soak in. And Have a Little Faith In Me came up on my playlist at the same time...which explains the random lyrics. I don't do that often. Anyway...so I'm sitting playing Solitaire thinking about the emails and listening to the song, and I lose it. I'm not sure if it's the stress or what, but there have been times today that I doubted making it through this week. I didn't recognize my own self in the reflection of a window today. I'm like a ghost of myself. I can't wait for this show to be over and I can start feeling normal again. Tonight we start a half an hour later with costumes...that means we probably won't get out of there until 11. I'm not happy about losing that kind of time. The sleep loss is producing some okaysih poetry, but it's all so dark...and that's not really me at all...it's just that I'm dragging, so I guess my words are heavy too.

I still haven't gone to get my notebook. Every time I go, the lines are huge. I think I'll go after script analysis...4:00 is definitely before the dinner rush.

Jeremey finally found someone else to be in his scene, and it's Paul. I've never worked with either of them before, so I think it may be a real learning experience. Bill and Wendy came to watch rehearsal last night. Wendy laughed a lot...Bill was falling asleep. Whatever. Anyway...this isn't making sense. Most of my thoughts don't make sense anymore. When they come. Have you ever been like that? Not really thinking. There are definitely things floating around up in the cranial area, but my brain is refusing to take hold of one particular thing and concentrate on it. It's much like that feeling right before you go to sleep when all your thoughts and concerns swirl around in your mind like disolving Cool-aid...except that I'm not falling asleep and my brain must be supersaturated, because there's no disolving happening. The powder thoughts just keep swirling around up there...all day. Hmmm.

Do you ever feel like your living in a Blessid Union of Souls song? Woah. Told you.

I just found my Palmistry book...I think I'm going to start studying up on that. Seems like a good conversation starter and all around interesting thing. I find that conversation starters are more necessary now than ever before. I was always established before. I think that's why I don't like growing up. I liked being the one everyone looked up to in choir; the president of the theatre department, the section leader in band. Now I have to fight to prove who I am. How can I do that when sometimes I don't even know?

Rachel...thanks so much for everything. Staying up talking way too late has never been more pointlessly enjoyable. You're the best.
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 1:29 PM

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark, baby
Have a little faith in me

When the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try, baby
Have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so *easily*
Come here darlin'
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

When your back's against the wall
Just turn around, you will see
I will catch ya, I will catch your fall
Just have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

Well, I've been loving you for such a long, long time baby
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend *for you and me*
Cause for us there is no end
All you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I said I will hold you up, I will hold you up
Your strength gives me enough
So have a little faith in me
Hey baby, oh, baby
All ya gotta do is have a little faith in me
All ya gotta do is have a little faith in me
A little faith in me

posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 7:44 AM

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

This has not been a very good week so far. I got a little too spoiled this weekend, and now I have nothing to look forward to for a while. Skipping math was also not a very good idea last week. I am very very behind, and it's going to take both of my days off from rehearsal to catch up on everything. I feel like I'm running to catch up all the time now...I think it's because the show is sneaking up. Eight days...wow. I always get this way before shows...why the heck am I an acting major? Not very clever. Anyone who talks to me for the next couple of weeks, know that I'm really going to be okay...it's just the preshow rut I fall into. I think I start worrying about everything I can possibly think of just so I don't worry about the show. This is unhealthy.

Today is great weather. It's not really pretty on campus anymore though. Pretty much all of the leaves have fallen, so it's just really warm and clear out, but there are skeletons of trees casting shadows on the sidewalks now. I do appreciate the warmth though since all of my coats and jackets have been confiscated for the costume rack of the show.

This week is not going to be fun. My scene goes up for workshopping tomorrow, and we finally got it all blocked this morning. I hope we remember it. For some insane reason, I told Jeremey I'd be in his scene for directing class...which means another scene and more blocking to memorize before next Tuesday. Rehearsals are now being moved back a half an hour, which cuts into my nightly chatting time...this=not cool. I live for those couple of hours.

"I don't get many things right the first time. In fact, I am told that a lot.
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls brought me here..."
thinking of you

Oh, the Jarbeque...I just wouldn't make it without him every Tuesday. We have good times in Freshman Experience...and he's so good at making me rethink my attitude towards life and complications. "Usually, you don't like the game if you think you're losing." Well said.

So, I just heard two gunshots. What is going on? No one knows. There's no mass chaos outside...so...um...I'll keep you all updated.

Oh, by the way...I met Jason Mraz!! Muahahaha....
end of evil episode

My fortune cookie today is mocking me...
"You have an active mind and a keen imagination."

I miss writing. I wish there were more time for that. I think tonight I'll try to do some of that in rehearsal. It's so hard though. We get into the strangest conversations. They're just too intriguing to miss out on. I love observing people.

Well, I think I'm going to get some dinner and see if I left my notebook in the cafeteria...typical. I forget things way more when I'm stressing. This is what resulted in the math crisis a few weeks back. Oy vey. I used to try to compensate for my forgetfulness with a planner, but that just resulted in written proof of my problem. Now I've started organizing shelves, drawers, papers, whatever...it doesn't really help...so why do I keep doing it? Because if not, I'd be disorganized and forgetful I guess...Oh well.

Off to face another night...
posted by The Impossibly Cute One on 4:24 PM